not even $1

Happy New Year!! 

Sometimes life is fuck and when I see around people make me fucking hate my life worse. while I am writing this I am crying myself inside my room. I don't beg or seek for help but I need to release these hurt inside my heart. So.. Now I am living in mom's house and she's now at her other house vacationing. Btw, if you think my mother rich and she will keep me stable. No.. World cruel to me. I am very glad I still can be here at the house but at this moment all alone, and Thank God I can still communicate with my phone and Wi-Fi, even no money at all.. Even in my account I only have less than 50 cent I still can use my Internet to talk. You might wondering why I bankrupt. 

I made mistake, the mistake I made towards to my bad bad ending of 2025. I fell in the parking lot while I parked my motorcycle, I have my own laptop in my bag but it broken after I fell tragically. I am far from rich. But I am enough, never starving but when I saw and observed the price of laptop nowadays. My heart so hurt, if I fix my old one. It's too old and I've got many many times to fix it. But if I buy new one, I will ran out the cash in me. 

For days I couldn't work well but.. What can I do? With help of my mother lend me some, I bought the laptop. And sadly.. 

This laptop only used for a week at workplace then I decided  to away from the job. You might gonna call me stupid, I quit when I have material problem. But what could I do?

My partner, someone I thought as nice person stab me behind provoked all workers to hate me. And my boss told me things I never done by what she heard from workers. I was observing myself. None of the business I never do. Even I don't want to talk to someone with overshared moment at work. That's discipline I handle in every job place I went to. Overshare is shit if you are doing that in working place. 

"They told the same thing about you, they say bad things" The boss said

"How they can say that? How can someone hate someone who they never talk to deeply?"

"Maybe you should change your behavior"

"Be nice at work place is ok, be overshared at workplace is stupid, since I step my feet in the day I came here, I never want to have best friend at workplace . All I do, do my job here" She quite, might she thought all I said was right. I am just not someone who will blend and telling things about me too much. 

Once I was with them in the room and listen what topic they talked about, like they talking about another which wasn't in the room that time. Backstabber. And it's the culture in the place which they believed international labelled. 

In the end I say the place too toxic to me, I cannot understand why people want to know me more here, when I was in Jakarta your life is your life, and my life is my life. 

Then I gave what I have to my mom, not fully paid it. I feel so bad cannot be a good daughter to her. Day by day, gasoline needed, some things needed and I ended up with nothing here but. Also I thank my God, my last money I had, I bought it with foods to survive until my mother back home. 

"Why don't you seek for new job?"

I do, I applied to 10 companies everyday, but might the time isn't the good one, it's public holiday. HR might busy with holiday. 

I know what I wrote now will be something ashamed for me one day, but also I want one day when I fuckin rich (Amen!) I see this and remember I had my lowest point. When I had no money even a dollar. There's no always storm, I believe there's a rainbow in future. 

Economically I am stupid and can't really manage it, but people change. Let see in future.. 

Sorry for the weird blog post today guys!